Overcoming self-destructive beliefs
Recently, I mentioned to someone that I have a bunch of friends who call me only when they need me. I am fine with that but I would appreciate if they are there for me when I need them. Anyway, constant calls from friends due to depression, stress, anger or disappointment has led me to believe that everyone has these thoughts. Some overcome it easily because of the strength of their character, their nature or their efforts.
Some, unfortunately, need to be calmed down by someone. There are a few common thoughts I have observed that I feel are self destructive. I am not a psychologist so I do not have solutions. I am listing them so that it might just help you take that first step; realisation. If you are having these thoughts and do not have someone to calm you down then read ahead. Just see if you have these following self-destructive beliefs –
1) I simply can’t do it – Not my piece of cake, it is so difficult, I don’t know enough to get it right, I simply can’t do it. Do you have these thoughts often? Also, do you say this about others? He/she can do it better or he/she is lucky.
I was a very active kid in school but I did not used to excel in everything I used to do. I sucked at sports, I failed my scholarship, I was really bad at public speaking and very average in studies but I do not know anyone who remembers that about me. All they remember is how I used to participate in every activity, whether I can do it or can’t do. Optimism can lead you to try anything. I was 4 ft tall, might have weighed 45 kgs or so, and I have tried high jump! Did I fail? Big time! Who cares now though? One simply can’t do everything. And everybody has this thought. You are not alone. But can you overcome it? Sure. Just give it a try. That’s all you need to do.
2) I am not good enough – Who decides this? How much is really enough to do something? I can make good enough tea. My mother can make brilliant tea. My friend can make just- about- drinkable tea.
You have some thoughts, I have some ideas. We all have dreams. Something always holds us back. Our disbelief in ourselves. I am not good enough. Believe me it is never enough. Everything has a scope for improvement. You might feel you are not contributing enough at your workplace, at home, towards your friends etc., I still feel my writing is not good enough. And I am 70 blogs up!
Nothing is easy. We all learn to be good with practice and consistent effort. It is okay to feel you are not good enough YET. Remember the last word. Yet. That means you will get there. Keep doing it again and again. You will get there.
3) What will others think? – What if people laugh at my ideas? What if people judge me by my blog? What if people think I am pervert just because I read thriller erotica?
Do you fear the worst while doing something new? We give a lot of importance to what others think. We, humans are very lenient with ourselves. If we concentrate on what we think about our failure than what others think about it, it will be less disappointing. Don’t you forgive yourself easier than you forgive others?
The only way to overcome this is to stop thinking what people will say. Go with your gut feeling. You might still fail but you will overcome the shock of failure faster if you block out others. Remember, everybody fails some time or the other. You just need to handle it better by going easy on yourself and concentrating what you want to do next.
4) I am all alone – Do you get this feeling that everyone is against you? Do you hate popular people? Is everyone always good to some people? You are clearly not one of them, now are you?
What makes this feeling worse is that people expect you to be happy, cheerful and chatty all the time. Our society also pushes us to be a social person. We feel that if we do not have friends to talk to we are alone in this world. I feel left out a lot of times. I do not have a huge bunch of good friends even though I am kind of popular.
A change in my mindset has helped me overcome this. I have taken up hobbies and have learned to entertain myself. And we also feel that only other people can make you feel not-alone. Pets, hobbies, books, music could also make you feel occupied and happy. I started reading books only at the age of 22 yrs. Why? Because I was feeling alone. I have coped up quite well.
Everybody feels alone sometime but we need to find a way out. Find what suits you. Try to identify your true friends. Don’t find any? No one can be your better friend than yourself.
I know it is not easy. But who is in rush anyway? We take so much of effort to become comfortable with others. Why don’t we try to become comfortable with ourselves? I am not asking anyone to become non-social. And my ideas are not a guide to become more acceptable. Just saying, that fall in love with yourself. People will love you eventually.